So I do this thing where I order whatever the person before me orders, to be in the habit of not always being quite sure what I am eating or drinking. So far I have not had anything I haven’t enjoyed! Today, my team leader at my job took our team out to Starbucks and I ordered whatever the coworker before me ordered. This ended up being a venti soy mocha frappuccino with two add shots. It was wonderfully delicious! Although I now may have to retract my statements about how caffeine doesn’t really affect me because holy crap! Not that this really changes my plan to continue this behavior of ordering whatever the person before me orders, but hopefully I can make it through my long a$$ day without crashing too hard. There was only one other time of note that caffeine affected me this much and I only felt that because I was laying on my stomach typing a research paper and could feel the shaking against the solid ground. It was in New York, that was no earthquake. That was caffeine. I am sitting here, writing this post, but all I really want to do is run or do cartwheels or roll around on the floor. As I am at the office, I feel that may not be the most appropriate order of conduct. Wheeeeee!!!!!
Through My Eyes
“A lot can happen between now and never.” –Petyr Baelish, Game of Thrones
Never say never, unless you’re saying “never say never.” I do enjoy Game of Thrones for multiple reasons, but one of them is because I find a lot of quotes from the books and show that resonate with me. This one in particular does, as never means both a lack of opportunity taking and a lack of realistic thinking. Saying “I will never do that” doesn’t work for me because what happens when/if I do whatever “that” is? Others may not catch me on it, but I certainly do and would. I enjoy trying new things, and saying I wold never do something seems counterproductive. As uncomfortable as it may be, saying “I would never try balut, fried tarantula, skydiving, driving on crazy roads (carefully), and other experiences” would be a lie.
Additionally, saying “That will never happen to me” is not the best way to approach negative occurences. Many things can happen anywhere, and you never really know until it does. If you truly believe that would never happen to you, then you may be in for an unpleasant surprise. Assuming and expecting the worst is not healthy, but not even considering the possibility is unwise. Hope for the best, but do your research and have a plan in case something bad does happen. Consider all of the possibilities and options before saying “never.”
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People earn respect through kindness and compassion for others. They don’t get respect through slander, bigotry, ignorance, and/or terror. They get fear, which is much less powerful and lasting than respect. If you truly deserve respect, you wouldn’t consider doing something drastic enough to lose the respect of a significant amount of people. Not everyone will respect you and that is okay. But terror is not limited to threats or physical violence, regardless of reason or victims. There are other forms of harm, and those who openly suggest that they will enact harm (including neglect) cannot and will not gain my respect.
If we are friends, you have my respect. If you don’t have my respect, I will give you the knowledge, power, and skills to earn it, but it is up to you to utilize them. If you don’t want to, that is your choice that you are entitled to. 🙂
If you want to be a great and effective leader, you need respect. No matter what your policies are, positive influential tactics are much more effective and, for crying out loud, so much easier to gain the respect of your own country as well as those in the world. Leaders, actually everyone, who use any trace of threats or negative actions out of anger, ignorance, and hatred regardless of reasons cannot and will not gain my respect, and therefore support. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, and treat others with compassion. I feel sorry and ashamed for the people who can see past that or can see it but choose to ignore.
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The most important decisions of your life are often based on insufficient data
-Bernie (friend from aerial circus), CA, 2014
My extension: It may not always seem insufficient until after you act on those decisions, but it is important (and amusing) to reflect on them after you learn otherwise.
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Life is not meant to be comfortable all the time. Constant comfort is not living, adventure is.
–Alyx Michele
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“Patch Adams’ hello experiment in play today. A simple passing “hello, how are you” turned into a 45 minute conversation about life with a 54 year old man who was raised in NYC, studied psych at NYU, has the same favorite spot in Central Park, worked on Freud’s psychoanalytic theory and Skinnerian behaviorism, quit psych to go into urban economic planning, and worked with the Feds, then became an inventor of various random things in which he had no experience of. Fun fact: you can thank him for the beer can holders in sailboats. Hallelu! He sold his business and is planning on what to do next. You are never too old or too young to change directions and try new things!…including talking to strangers with big fluffy dogs.”
I posted this well before I even knew I was going to work with Patch. My knowledge about him was based solely on the movie and my research on the real Patch and his work. The term “hello experiment” came from the movie, I must admit, though I see the movie as a separate entity than Patch himself. After meeting him and working with him, I now must change “experiment” to “way of life.” Talking to strangers, or even connecting non-verbally is a way of life; a life of community building and connection making, a life of spreading the feeling of relevancy, and a life of learning things you never knew you never knew. Okay that last one came from watching “Colors of the Wind” on Youtube an hour ago, in Icelandic haha, but it still works!
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I have been researching every country that exists in the world so I have an idea of what I want to do when the time comes for me to go there. Currently, I only have a couple more countries to research in Europe and then Asia, and then I will post my findings. The late hours of staring at a computer screen reading history and feedback, admiring photographs taken by others, and writing down ideas of how I feel I would gain the most of my experiences are so worth it. I have been excited through it all, but as I go through France, the feeling of excitement escalating to an overwhelming level. One, it’s France. I suppose I have more of an attachment to France than other countries since I have been learning the language for four years, but this also means that I am almost done reading about pretty much every place there is in the world. My plan of action: write down what I want to do, research visa requirements, learn about currency exchange rates to prepare my savings, and learn the languages. Plural. All of them? Perhaps. I like learning languages, but knowing a little of a little only goes so far, so now of course I have set my mind to learning as many languages as possible. We shall see how this goes, but that’s the beauty of having the internet and international friends I suppose. Wish me luck!
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The answer is I don’t have one. Except for colors…my favorite color is blue, BUT I like them all.
I had a conversation with my coworker about my travel plans. It started with him asking me what was rocking my world. My answer was “the usual.” His response was “really? your life is that good?” Honestly, yeah, it kind of is. Sure, nothing is perfect, and not everything is candy corn and roses (I don’t know where that came from, but it works), but I am pretty darn happy right now. I am on a rush of excitement as I have returned to my travel research and loosely planning. I have gone through all of the countries and islands everywhere except Europe and Asia, and am currently working on Europe. Once I finish the last two continents I will post my tentative itineraries in their respective country Destinations menu options. Anyway, I proceeded to explain why I feel so good in regards to travel research, and he was so confused. Even with my answering his questions, he still doesn’t seem to fully understand it. I don’t expect everyone too, and that is okay. That is what makes discussion a great interaction method. I am not sure if it was that he didn’t understand that I wanted to travel everywhere in the world or if he didn’t understand why or if he didn’t think it was a feasible plan. He asked me what my favorite country was, I said I don’t have one. They are all great and I want to experience as much of their greatness as I can. He laughed and asked “Okay, if you had to pick one, what would your favorite type of food be?” I thought about this one and considered saying sushi, but although I love sushi, there are other foods I like just as much. I don’t have a favorite food. I love anything and everything there is about learning and experiencing other cultures, and picking just one of anything is apparently impossible for me. There is something uniquely special about everything and everyone I encounter. To me, comparing them would seem as unfair, futile even, as comparing apples to oranges. I just can’t. Name something or someone and I can tell you what I find great and unique about them, but it would be very difficult or maybe impossible to pick just one favorite of anything or everyone.
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Just kidding. I know exactly what I’m doing.
Being drawn to something outside of the traditional set of cultural expectations and norms is okay. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Take a look at what you want to do and ask yourself these questions: “Will this make me happy? Is the effect on myself and others generally positive? What do I need to do to make this happen? How long approximately will it take?” Then create a plan and do it! Throughout high school and college, I had a very strict plan. I was to finish my undergraduate in psychology in three years, then go straight to graduate school in a PhD program in Clinical Psychology, and ultimately open up my own practice specializing in MFT and eating disorders. My plans to travel the world were going to wait until I had established my career. While many would suggest that is the more responsible and normal thing to do, I started realizing I didn’t feel it would make me happy and effective to do things quite that way anymore. In the second semester of my second year of college, I decided I wanted to study abroad in Australia during the first semester of my last year. I thought to myself “Do I want to focus my energy soaking up education and life in Australia or spend it stressing about taking the GRE and grad school essays while there? Grad school can wait because I will be a much more effective and happier human being taking in this new world I am in.” I spent a significant amount of time thinking about this plan change, I went through with it, and I survived!
I then got a job (psych related!) to fill in the gap year between grad school so I can plan for grad school in that time. Plans changed when I didn’t do well on the GRE both times I took it, and I would not have a strong enough application I’d be satisfied with if I applied anyway. Okay, second plan change, grad school will have to wait another year. Due to significant issues that I will not waste time discussing, I felt it was best to leave that job I was so excited about initially. I started tutoring, which I love, and that got me thinking “Wow, I can put away a significant amount of money for grad school now.” Then I went to Peru for two weeks as a humanitarian clown with Patch Adams and colleagues. As I am writing a week and a half after returning from the trip, I am still processing everything I experienced and learned and have yet to be able to put that into words. So stay tuned for that. Anyway, I met someone there who bought a one way ticket to Iquitos because he was planning on staying for an undecided amount of time before moving on to the next country which was also undecided at that time. He had the means to travel around central and south America like that, and it got me thinking about how that is exactly how I have wanted to travel. I always thought it was a ridiculous plan, but now not so much. I sat down and really thought about it and I realized this could work! I can do it! No, I WILL do it!
I have constantly been talking about how I want to travel the world and go everywhere. So why not do just that? Because of our society’s norm of going to school then more school then work and then retire to Florida if you live long enough and have the means to do that. That has never appealed to me. Life is too short to succumb to society’s expectations and pressures from others, including family members if that is the case. It is my life, and although I am only twenty-two, I feel I am old enough, mature enough, and experienced enough to be able to figure out how to do what I want to do, and to also recognize if something is just not feasible. I do what I can to make things feasible before deciding it won’t work, however. I am also able to make sure what I want is positive for me and others and not be influenced or pressured into negative behaviors. Sure, I enjoy wine and beer (if it’s good), but getting wasted doesn’t appeal to me. When travelling, yes, I will drink but only one maybe two in order to experience the beer and wine of the place I am travelling in. Cocktails might happen if it’s a staple of that culture, and as I desire to learn and experience everything I can about as many cultures as possible, I will take part in that activity, (for cultural learning of course haha). I am actually really excited about participating in ayahuasca ceremony, which is a ceremony in which you drink a hallucinogenic substance and things go from there. That is a cultural experience so it gets put into a different category in my mind.
Anyway, the past few weeks have consisted of me printing out blank maps of every continent, country, region (which ever allows everything to fit onto one page with a large enough size to see the names of places). From there I go through each continent, country, state, region, and island and write down everything I want to do and experience when I am there. I am taking into consideration the highly recommended touristy attractions but keeping a keen eye out for any opportunity to blend with the native culture and locals. Every single place in the world is separated by potential trip in which I can go to as many places in that region as possible with an undecided time limit. What Marco was doing in South America is what I want to do everywhere. Having everything written out will allow me to look and see how much money is required to do everything I want to do, and then I will know how much time I will need to save up said money, and then go! Antarctica will be about $20,000 to do what I want to do there (3 weeks), unless I find a better deal within the next year, but I am okay with that. I have a target and now I am going to make it happen, and possibly will even be able to put in a couple smaller trips here and there. I have a two week winter break with the tutoring company that I refuse to waste at home, so I’m going to ICELAND!
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So I was going through the journal that 12-year-old me wrote when my aunt took me to China (which I will put up in a separate post, and a poem fell out. Since it came out of the China journal, I assumed I wrote it around the same time. Using context clues, I realized I wrote it when I was 16-years-old. I had an idea of what I was writing about until line 7, then it hit me. I knew EXACTLY which event in my life to which I was referring. It was a pivotal moment to my performing art career. While it was a little heartbreaking to be reminded about how upsetting it was, and to see it through my writing, what I could also see through my writing that 16-yr-old. My experience reading it now at age 22 brought up a plethora of thoughts, feelings and emotions. Some of which were feelings of sadness, disappointment, even anger, but also optimism, relief, and gratitude. In contrast to how I am now, I tended to spend a significantly higher amount of time with negative energy before transcending into more positive outlooks on the situation with a better mentality and more maturity. Of course, I was dealing with the typical 16-year-old girl problems, in addition to not coping with the death of a friend well, depression/eating disorder issues, parental arguments, etc. Jeez, I was a mess (who isn’t at that stage of life?), but it didn’t last long, and I never did any drugs.
The feelings of sadness and disappointment I felt now were not towards myself, but towards how a dance company I trained with for a significant part of my life treated me. I cannot change the past, and even back then I was doing everything I could to help my situation, but to no avail. However, I am grateful for how I was encouraged to branch out into other dance styles and forms of performing arts instead of chasing the unrealistic dream of becoming strictly a ballerina. Shortly after changing my attitude, I started voice and acting lessons, and began my journey to become a more well-rounded performer.
The poem was written for my tenth grade English class, and the theme of the entire course was overcoming adversity. My perspective of adversity was adversity was a little skewed back then. Here is the backstory: I was rehearsing for the Nutcracker with the ballet company I trained with, and this year I was cast as Clara’s Best Friend, Chinese Tea, and Icicle. We have official auditions for the production, even though we dance there every day. Still, they know our skill level, our work ethic, and most importantly our body type. All of these characteristics are taken into account before the directors decide who they want to play each part. So they cast me as the above, and I rehearse my butt off to be the best I can be. Two weeks before opening night, one of the directors pulls me aside and proceeds to tell me that they have decided that my height doesn’t look right with the rest of the icicles so they are going to have someone else take my place, but would like me to continue attending rehearsals for…well I am not quite sure. Learning?–learning something I clearly will never have the opportunity to put into practice. I stood there taking it all in professionally, no tears or argument, gracefully exited (get it? I’m a dancer, HA), got into my mom’s car and cried. Later on she eventually went into the director’s office for a discussion, where the director stated “I had no idea that upset her so much.” 1) Of course not, because I can be a professional, even when seemingly impossible and 2) not that it really made a difference how I felt. Anyway, yes I was extremely hurt and discouraged by this, but I decided it would be more appealing and wise to gain skills in other areas of dance and performing arts to expand my opportunities, rather than limiting them completely by quitting.
Okay, enough “talk”, here is the poem:
The Small Ant that Wins
Prejudice is an outrageous aspect,
As a dancer, there’s no path of escape.
I am not granted with deserved respect.
But I was cast based on size, height and shape.
Being a great dancer is important,
But it means nothing if I don’t look right.
Being dropped makes me feel like a small ant,
But I will never give up the harsh fight.
People will use anything against me,
They have enough power to destroy dreams.
But this will make me strive harder, you see,
For my will is stronger than any schemes.
So because I had a major setback,
I move on and it will be me they lack.
The World Unfiltered 